The holidays have come and gone. The gifts have been opened and all the new devices are in hand and ready to use. Connecting to our loved ones, spouses, partners, parents or children, can be difficult when devices have become the “third wheel” in our relationships. How do I connect with my kids when they are connected to their device? How do I avoid power struggles around their devices? How much is too much screen time? Is this contributing to my child’s anxiety or depression? These are common questions I hear from parents and teens when it comes to technology. Our devices, you could say,  have  become the “third wheel” in our relationships. Sometimes it helps improve our relationships and sometimes it blocks our connection. Technology is essential for our work, it contributes to our children’s education, it helps save lives.. So how do we navigate the “bad” with the “good” in the web of technology?

Using the concept of Connect and Take a S.E.A.T. is an easy strategy in tackling the worry around the devices in our life.

The first step is connecting with yourself first as the parent. Taking time for self reflection on the “third wheel” that has joined the family. Do I feel more distant from my child? Do I worry about my child’s safety? Do I feel awkward? How has this new member of the family been participating in the family? Is the influence positive or negative? Do I have tension? What are my emotions around this? Worried, angry, sad, lost, confused. What are my boundaries, values, expectations, ect around technology? Remember, safety is number one. 

Having this understanding for yourself, helps prepare a S.E.A.T. at the table have the conversation and connect. Connecting with yourself first is essential to being able to connect with your child. 

Steps

Connect: What are my feelings? What are my values, boundaries, values, expectations around technology? Is there anything missing from my relationship with my child? How is technology acting as a “third wheel” in our relationship?

When you take a S.E.A.T.:

• Supporting Awkwardness: Observing your child’s awkward moments without judgment build’s self esteem by allowing them to work through their internal and external struggle.

• Embracing Tension: Knowing that technology conversations will cause tension and can alleviate to power struggle when met with resistance. Tension is not a bad thing. It actually tells you have a teaching moment available. The conversation around technology is an avenue for connection, self understanding and regulation. 

• Accepting Emotions to understand behaviors: When emotions and behaviors are big, accepting your child’s experience sets the foundations for teaching emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and emphatically.    Accepting the emotion is not accepting the behavior. Accepting the emotion always for space to regulate and understand themselves. Remember, safety is always number one and can be used as your escape button if a hard limit needs to be set. 

• Teaching Moments: Devices and technology is a great way to teach boundaries, long term wellness strategies, healthy relationships, shared family values and encourage curiosity for the individual strengths to emerge. 

Our ever evolving relationship and dependence on technology continues to bring new challenges to parenting. No matter the evolution of technology, it is our essential need to have connection, meaning and belonging as humans. Remember to ask yourself, how I am connecting and taking a S.E.A.T.?