So, today I was going to focus on anger, and how closely related to anxiety it is. And then came the news of yet another school shooting. And my anger changed. My energy shifted and my focus was no longer the same. 

I have a 4th grader, a 3rd grader, and a kindergartener. Everyday I send them to school about a block from my house and hope that they make it home. That they are never touched by a school shooting or other mass-casualty event. Probably similar to most of you, it’s their faces I see first when I hear about yet another incident in the news. Today, like it has every other time, my anger raged, my emotions were more raw and that nagging thought at the back of my head, “will they be safe today?”, got super loud. It’s moments like this when that worry becomes grounded in reality and I have to work even harder to stay present.

I accept that there are many things that are out of my control. I am the first to “free range” my kids, and allow them to fail and succeed in life on a daily basis. I know that the only way to keep them safe all the time is to keep them in the bubble of my home. However, there are some things about what’s happening in the U.S. right now that are very much in our control as a community and as a nation. I’m not here to have a political debate, It’s pretty fucking obvious at this point that something needs to change to keep kids, educators, school staff and volunteers safe on campuses. I have no idea what those changes need to be. I’m not an expert in that field. The most I can do is cast my vote, lend my hand and use my voice to demand change, and I hope that you will too. 

And that still leaves me questioning myself on a day to day basis about what I can do to make a bigger impact.

After the shooting in Uvalde, Texas, I was left with the exact same feeling, and an inability to sleep, and as some of you may know, when I can’t sleep, I write. But today I want to share when I’ve already written and hope that you’ll turn your anger, sadness, and fear into action. 

BE THE CHANGE

(originally posted on May 24, 2022)

It’s nearly impossible for me to sleep tonight. My mind just won’t shut off. I can’t help but think of the position that I am in. I’m a mom and a therapist, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that until mental healthcare in this country changes, what happened today in Uvalde, Texas at Robb Elementary School will keep happening.

Yes, this is a conversation about gun control. And I could try really hard to understand why those laws aren’t changing… and at the end of the day it’s something I just can’t wrap my head around. It’s also something I feel like I have very little control over.

This conversation is also about mental health care, and as a therapist, I recognize that I am on the front line of this problem and that I might have a little more influence in this arena. And so, here I go, diving headfirst into some small things you can do right now that might help deter the next could-be-school-shooter.

Every time there is a mass shooting or another senseless act of man-made violence there is a story that is shared on social media. Something about a teacher who after the shooting at Columbine high school had students write down the names of 4 people they would like to sit with the following week. Once they are all turned in, the teacher examines them for patterns. Who is left out? Who can’t think of who to write down? Is there a name that used to be on the list, but isn’t now?

This isn’t actually an exercise to change her seating chart, or to accommodate the requests of friends who want to stick together. This is an exercise to see who is falling through the cracks. Who isn’t being noticed? Who is being bullied? It’s essentially asking the question: Who is at risk of becoming a school shooter?

Now you might be thinking, “not everyone who falls through the cracks turns into a school shooter.” And you would be correct about that. But, I am pretty sick of waiting to find out.

So tonight, I spent time talking to my kids about why lockdown drills are important. About looking for really good places to hide that are away from doors and windows and that are low to the ground. And I spent time talking about noticing the kid that gets left out. The kid that gets picked on, made fun of, or completely ignored. And I told them to smile at them. That’s it. One smile. Just so that child knows that they are also seen. Who knows, it might be all it takes to change the course of their life.

Now I am not naïve enough to think that a simple smile is all it takes. But as a therapist, I can tell you that this simple act is a great start and has an enormous impact on a child who is bullied or ignored at school.

Another simple act is curiosity. Be curious about who is in the classroom with your kids. For example, let’s say your kid comes home and tells you a story about another kid that got picked on. For most of us we might say something to the effect of “that isn’t very nice, I hope someone told a teacher and I hope the student was ok,” and then we go on with our day. We probably don’t give it a second thought.

But what if we did? What if we picked up the phone or sent a text or email to that student’s parent to alert them to what was happening? Or what if we sent an email to the teacher or school counselor telling them what we had heard and giving them a chance to intervene? What if we coached our kid on what to say or do for that child the next day? Imagine the change this might bring. Imagine the possibilities if we really acted as a community to lift people up when they clearly need it the most?

Once again, I am not saying that this stops pathology or severe mental illness. What I am saying is that these small changes create opportunity for a different outcome.

Clearly there needs to be massive mental health care reform in this country. Tech companies offering therapy that’s promoted by celebrities isn’t going to fix it. We need real change. We need real programs and resources that address problem behavior, emotions, and pathology head on and in-person, however, like gun control, we aren’t going to see those big system changes anytime soon. Which means that more than likely, I will be up writing more on this very topic very soon.

What I do know, is that if we don’t change anything about our behavior as a community, then NOTHING WILL CHANGE!

So, you know that feeling you have today. The helpless one. The one where you have no idea what to do. The one where you know that thoughts and prayers don’t do a damn thing. Well, take all that energy and put it into actionable change. Who knows, it might the first step in stopping the next could-be-school-shooter. #