Having a drive, need to strive, or even attempting to appear prefect to the outside world is not something that is innate, meaning we are not born with it. It is something that comes as a result of our experiences and ways that we are positively and negatively reinforced to achieve certain outcomes. Children have been taught that practice makes “perfect,” that getting A’s in school is preferred over lower grades in order to be successful, high achievement in many things can lead to positive recognition and advancement, and that failure is negative.  Families shape beliefs about what is expected by setting standards and expectations about achieving success, pointing out what they view as mistakes or failures, or questioning why decisions were not made differently. Society also reinforces perfectionism frequently through the comparison that is derived from social media. Unrealistic depictions of people’s lives and normalization of unrealistic pictures of what success, relationships, friendships, and family look like impact how an individual sees themselves and the goals that they have for themselves.  These expectations of being perfect and definitions of success become internalized and have significant impact how someone interacts in the world.

The way that perfectionism impacts individuals will significantly vary. A number of factors will influence how perfectionism is viewed and experienced. Individuals who identify as males, females, or non-binary will experience perfectionism differently as expectations for each are often different and opportunities available are dissimilar. Additionally, people of color and those with an immigrant experience will also have a unique experience of perfectionism both on an individual and cultural level. As a result of how these factors impact us individually, our view of self and expectations of self are shaped and have significant bearing on the development and presentation of perfectionism.

While striving to do your best and having high expectations are viewed as positive characteristics, there is a point where it can become damaging. Anxiety, depression, self-doubt, critical self-talk, difficulty relaxing, losing interest in activities, burnout, and decreased enjoyment in life are side effects that can come as a result of perfectionism. The challenge comes in identifying when perfectionism crosses the line and begins to have a negative effect in your life. First it can be helpful to identify some signs of perfectionism.

Difficulty with making decisions – Occasionally struggling with making decisions is a common experience. Regularly getting stuck in decision-making because you are worried that you won’t make the right decision or the decision will not be good enough becomes problematic.

Excessively checking for errors or mistakes – Re-reading that email for the 15th time and having anxiety before hitting send or submit on a paper or project may highlight a fear of how you and your work will be received or judged and hint to a lack of confidence in yourself.

Not asking others for help – Sometimes it is hard to ask other people for help. Yet, if you find yourself avoiding asking for help because someone else will not do it the right way or the way that you would do it, is more problematic. It speaks to an unrealistic belief that one person can do it all, may be present as well as significant pressure to perform no matter the cost to yourself. Additionally, it can create distance in relationships and ultimately decrease emotional intimacy.

Avoiding risky opportunities and seeking opportunities where success is all but guaranteed – This might look like making safe choices as a way to avoid risks and ultimately failure. Fearing failure is common, the inability to take any risks in order to avoid the possibility of failure is extremely self-limiting and may prevent you from reaching your goals.

Chronic procrastination – Continually having difficulty starting tasks or projects or creating more to do lists that rarely see tasks removed may create pressure and be counterproductive. The inability to start tasks may speak to the worry about the outcome and whether things will turn out as expected or hoped.

Constant Self-criticism – Everyone has an inner critic. When the voice of your inner critic is continually questioning or judging you or your work causing uncertainty and undermining confidence, it is no longer motivation and has veered toward problematic.

Beginning to recognize the motivations behind our behavior starts the process of understanding how our experiences shape us to do the things we do and allows us to find better ways to support ourselves and move toward our goals. With perfectionism, acknowledging that some of these signs may be applicable to you may be a hard step to take. But when we take that first step, we can start building different coping strategies so that we no longer experience negative impact of perfectionism.