Life is very busy, and seemingly feels busier and busier as the days pass by. Responsibilities with family, work, school, and our friends take up a significant amount of our time. As we go from one activity to another, we encounter people in the different facets of our lives and engage with them differently. We get used to the way a person interacts with us. For example, we ask our friends how they are doing and might get, “I’m fine” as a response. We may hear the same or similar response when we ask our significant other how their day went.  Often, we take those responses as indicators that things really are fine and we may not ask more questions. That may not accurately reflect what is going on in the other person’s life.

It can be challenging when we are accustomed to someone to acting a specific way, other people could feel pressure to maintain that specific image and because acknowledging their actual emotional experience might not fit that image they have been portraying of being “fine.”  As that relates to experiencing anxiety, it may actually become a deterrent for someone in your life to share what is really going on with them out of fear. Fear that they may be looked at differently or not understood. In expecting someone to show up as they always have, what may go unnoticed are the number of people in our lives who are living with anxiety. A significant number of individuals experience functional anxiety, meaning to the outside world, it appears as though they are going through their day/lives with minimal difficulties. What may go unseen is that person’s inner experience being riddled with anxious thoughts, feelings of fear and worry, and difficulty with sleep. While it will be up to the person themselves to decide to open up and share their experience, there are a few things that can help create an environment for someone to open up and talking about their anxiety. 

Identifying things that are not helpful ways to provide support can be one of the first steps in changing how you show up for people. Here are some examples. 

1. Do not minimize someone’s emotions – Telling someone that what they are experiencing is not a big deal or that other people experience worse can result in discounting what someone is feeling. 

2. Do not automatically tell someone it’s going to be okay – While this may be true, in the height of feeling anxiety, often hearing that it will be okay can be interpreted as though the worries or concerns are being dismissed.

3. Do not tell someone to get over it or to just deal with it – If was as easy as just “dealing with it” the percentage of people who experience anxiety would be fairly low. This can also feel very invalidating to the person who is having a difficult time managing the situation or emotion.

4. Do not be a “one upper” – While it can be helpful to share your own similar experience, make sure that it is the appropriate time and place to share. Sometimes by bringing in your own experience it can change the tone and focus of the conversation away from them and on to you. Ultimately, if this happens, it could cause the other person to not want to talk to you about their experiences again. 

5. Avoiding asking how someone is doing – When we ask someone how they are doing, we will hear, “Oh, I’m fine” and then the conversation moves along. Frequently, it can be difficulty to acknowledge that we are experiencing certain feelings and may avoid talking about it. So often, in part due to the stigma around mental health, people hide how they are really feeling and what they are thinking leaving the false impression that they are not having their own worries or other struggles. 

If those are the things to stay away from, what can be helpful to do?  Here are some tips on what is helpful.

1. Ask how they are really doing/or what has been going on in their life – While everyone is busy focusing on their lives, for the people we care about, it is important to check in verbally to see how people are doing. When someone takes the time to really see how you are feeling, it can help reinforce not only that whatever they are going through is important, but also that the person asking really cares.

2. Check in frequently – This does not mean spending hours on the phone or in person with someone. It can mean sending a quick text, email, or even a funny meme. Showing someone that you care and are thinking about them can take many forms and can help you stay connected. 

3. Be Empathic – Encourage the people in your life to share how they are feeling with you and validate their emotions. Everyone’s response to a situation is different, and even if you may not fully understand their experience, it does not make their experience wrong or bad. 

4. Offer support – How can I help support you?  One question that may be pivotal in opening the door to allow someone to ask for what they need. Even if there is no specific answer that is provided, you can reaffirm a willingness to be there for the person.

5. Suggest therapy – While being a sounding board and helping to problem-solve may assistance in calming anxiety, sometimes seeking assistance in the form of therapy makes sense. Everyone can benefit from therapy as it is a dedicated non-judgmental space to explore emotions, understand thought patterns, and learn new coping strategies to feel differently. 

It can be hard to see people struggling and more often than not we want to help. One of the key factors in helping others is making sure that you are also taking care of yourself. If you are experiencing emotions that are difficult to make it difficult to cope, get some support. Whether that is opening up to people in your life or finding a therapist you feel comfortable with taking care of yourself allows you to help take care of others.